I'm still in between what 2013 has been for me. Or at least the beggining of this year... today ends the first half of the year and coming to this point I've struggled most of the days for a job, and often thinking about quitting what I've put so much effort over the last few years. Surprisingly enough the task of quitting and moving ahead to completetly different style of living was always interrupted by some event that would bring me back to aknowledge that what I wanted to do is in fact what I'm doing. But when I come to the point of being often described as a hybrid in terms of professional work I also find myself thinking about the fragility of that complement and easiness to my being of adaptation, it ought to be something good, but that constant journey through the interstices of multitasking often lead to a feeling of unfinishedness and therefore a frustration of not being able to define what I do, or to know at least what are the tools and knowledge that I still have to absorb in order to continue to travel this foggy road that comes to light at each step you take.
6 months after the beggining, and 6 months to the end of another year I have felt a stranger to myself, without goals or ambitions, just playing along, and fighting against this consumerist feeling that is that I don't want to live without money the rest of my life. It's sad that all has to come down to a point where you put a value to yourself. And then you think that everything could be so easy if only with didn't have the society has we do at this point, that there were in fact jobs that could be hobbies or just give enough stability to keep following the track you were following, and then you find yourself frozen, muted, unable to play.
But you re-think again, and money is not the issue. The issue is you.
And the issue is you. And you 'is' the issue, with or without money.
The process of epiphany is the result of a long process of trying to answer undefined, and rhetoric questions that inhabit your subconscious. The acceptance of failure is when you lower your arms when facing adversities and 'not to act' seems the best choice, not even turning your back, but just ... inertia.
In a moment of inertia when you feel the least prepared to actually be a member of the whole, in that moment, you disconnect, you unplug yourself from whatever it is that powers us up, and epiphany happens as a result of weariness.
2013 has been, so far, the moment of that long process that lead me to exhaustion, a state that unlinked my flesh existence from the rest of my identity. I felt empty, realized that we're all alone, felt betrayed, felt angry, felt disgusted with human race, felt egomaniac to the point where I was the only object of my hate, felt that every choice I had ever taken was in fact the wrong one to take, I blamed my education as a child, I blamed myself above all things for allowing those feelings take over me and triggered a replacement for all of those and that is an emotional blindness, a sensorial dormancy towards myself.
So if money is not the issue. And me, myself and I - IS IN FACT THE PROBLEM, the resolution should be easy: step out of that mood, continue doing what you like and enjoy or FIND SOMETHING ELSE, MAKE UP YOUR MIND AND MOVE ON! should be.
I don't mean to write about how well I've accepted my own failure, towards myself, or how the epiphany of why I'm in the place that I am right now happened - or even what it is in reality, because all of this is just a good title, to a (possibly) hedious contemporary performance art work.
I mean to write this a brainstorm process for all of those that might read this that is why the hell do we still keep moving ahead?! Also I'm not saying that we should all die and end with this endless part of history books, in fact what I'm doing is asking, like often I do in my texts/notes in this blog, that I also have no clue why I keep it.
Maybe I'm in that moment of life where I realize that we don't need nothing or no one else. Or maybe I'm just in that moment of life that I've realized that people are just people and as myself I shouldn't carry them on silver platters or feel towards them more than what I feel about me. Or maybe, this lack of emotions and sensibility are the result of placing so much energy on things that weren't as I thought they should be... Or even, all of this, is just a monologue to talk about where a character that is me of play to played with no rehearsals.
Maybe it's just this:
The acceptance of failure, and this is in fact the epiphany that I had, is larger than one and minor than infinity. It concerns the world, and it's about questioning the processes of 'questioning'. A failure that exists everytime the goal is set to dérive the attention. An acceptance that resides in the fact of considering that - TODAY - the world has to come together and that, that acceptance and the definition of it is due to fail.
My acceptance of failure / or constant ?epiphanazation? comes from a sense that is not reachable and only sensed in the sphere of what is not commonly sensorial.
THIS IS A TEXT FOR NOTHING. D. jun'jul2013 (when the gates open to let the day after start it's ending)